“New Year, New Me” 2015

Since last year, my husband and I have made it a tradition to compile at least 10 new year resolutions, goals, or things we just want to see more of in the upcoming year. 2014 was truly the most amazing year. In 2014, I stopped slaving in retail and started working a desk job which I’m still at and still love. In 2014, my relationship with God strengthened in a major way. Best of all, 2014 was the year I got married to my best friend.

Last night, me and my husband laid in bed and went through last years list we made for what we wanted from the year 2014. I was discouraged in my list. I didn’t even accomplish half of my goals. All of them were physical. Get this, have that, lose this, gain that. The only thing I really even accomplished was to get married, which I did that one pretty dang good if you ask me. 😉 So this year, I’ve decided to make my list a little less about material things (although realistically some are still in there) and more about working on myself on the inside. I couldn’t narrow it down to 10 for some reason. 12 just felt right. SO HERE IT IS! My list of hopes and dreams for 2015.

1. Apologize when I don’t want to. Admit that I’m not always right and be less stubborn in admitting to others when I’m wrong.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who suffers with this. I will argue until I’m blue in the face, even though I know the other person is right. I blame my horoscope. Leos are strong and opinionated; they are leaders of the pack. I can’t help it. This year I will try to make a conscious effort to be better in my admission of wrong and my acceptance that I am not Einstein.

2. Put God first in EVERY SINGLE THING I do. Chase God relentlessly. Spread His word and grace through my actions and interactions with anyone who crosses my path daily.

There have been so many times this year when I have been shopping and I have come into contact with someone rude. I would open the door for them and they wouldn’t say thank you. I would say “excuse me” to politely pass by them when they were looking at something intently just to hear them groan that I was in the way. This year, I hope to continue going out of my way for others and not expecting anything back. After all, if you’re doing something nice for someone to be praised in return, you aren’t really doing something for them, you’re doing something for YOU.

3. Chill out on the “road rage.”

I don’t know why, but I am the most angry driver. I can never win! I drive the speed limit and people go around me and mean-mug me because I’m driving too slow. When I drive faster to keep up with traffic, Grandma Lou decides it’s a good day to get in her Oldsmobile and drive 20 on the highway right in front of me. I hate when people text and then drive slow or all over the place, yet I do the same thing. This year, I hope I can learn to take a deep breath and just follow all the driving rules… peacefully. 2014 BRAG THOUGH- I DIDN’T GET A SPEEDING TICKET ALL YEAR. I think that calls for applause. *claps for self*

4. Make an effort to judge others less.

We. Are. All. Guilty. I think this should be on every single person’s list of resolutions. We do it in the mall. We do it at restaurants. We do it at work. We do it at school. We do it when we drive. We do it when we’re on social media. We all do it. Who cares if someone has posted 100 pictures of their baby (or dogs- me) this week? Who cares if someone is complaining on Facebook about their partner/boss/kids/parents/etc? WHO CARES? We waste so much time as humans worrying about what other people are doing “wrong” in their lives. Let God be the judge. After all, my opinion on you, you, and/or you won’t get any of us into Heaven.

5. Move into a new place with my boys – Make sure there is a backyard for them to romp around in.

It doesn’t have to be some modern home at the edge of a cliff in Washington. It doesn’t have to be on the beach in California. All I want is a decent sized home where we can plant ourselves and start to grow. It’s so hard being in an apartment. Neighbors are loud, parking sucks, and there’s always something breaking BUT we have a roof over our head. Our lease is up in April, and I hope God comes through for us. We’ve been praying so hard since we renewed our lease back in October. Our poor dogs should have a yard that they can run around in and get muddy and track dirt all over the hou- NO. Nevermind. But really, we are praying we can find something soon.

6. Read more books – but above all else, more of God’s word DAILY.

For the first time in like 4 years, I actually read a book this year. Isn’t that sad? I haven’t finished it. It’s buried underneath everything on my shelf. I really enjoyed it though. I feel like I’ve been a zombie since I’ve been focused primarily on working. Of course I’ve been doing school here and there also, but that’s not FUN reading. I miss the days of going to library, book fairs, and AR tests and points. I might as well be like Billy Madison. “Back to school, back to school…” On a greater note, I spent quite a bit of time in the bible this year. It is so fulfilling. The Bible used to really intimidate me. It’s so big and full of words. Don’t I sound educated? I really should read more. I’m going to make a promise to myself to spend the first 6 months of this year making the bible a priority weekly and in the last 6 months to grow into spending some time each day reading God’s word. Isn’t it ironic that I just got a notification on my phone from my Bible app telling me to open it up and read the “7 Bible Habit Tips I Should Start Today?” God’s will.

7. Find and connect in a church family. Tithe, even when the money is tight. Serve God and prepare to be blessed.

This has been another hard one for me in 2014. We visited so many new churches trying to find one that we could sink our teeth into and really devour the word and teachings. Hopefully this year we can find a church that we feel will be our home. I would love to find some way to volunteer weekly in a church as well. Tithing is also something that’s hard for us. We are young, without degrees, living alone, and living paycheck to paycheck. But we always must remember to give God 10 percent of what He has already blessed us with and in return He will turn our measly 10 percent into a 100 percent return in His glory.

8. Warm Dallas 2015. Actually make it happen and rally people together for the cause.

During Thanksgiving, I had a strong urge to serve others. It was stronger than it ever has been. I came up with an idea, shared it with a few people, and I hope to make it happen in 2015. On both Thanksgiving eve and Christmas eve in 2015, I would like to get a large group of friends, family, even acquaintances together to distribute blankets and servings of holiday meals to the homeless and less fortunate in downtown Dallas. I would really love to make this happen. Even if no one wants to do it with me, me and my husband will be on the front lines this year, serving those who are spending the holiday seasons on the cold streets. It’s a blessing to bless others and I want to make that my motto for this year.

9. If not Nicaragua, serve in at least ONE mission based trip or experience this year.

I just want to reiterate how absolutely fortunate we are to have everything we have as Americans. We take running water for granted. We take BOTTLED water for granted. For heaven’s sake, we take washers and dryers for granted. I would love the opportunity to experience a third world country that doesn’t have the amenities that I have. I know it would be a humbling experience.

10. Learn to put full trust in my husband.

I struggle with this every day. I, being the leader I am, think I have everything under control. I have to dictate every aspect of everything because I feel like if I let the reigns go, something bad will happen. This has come from my experiences in life where I’ve had to be in a group in school and everyone in my group either didn’t show up for presentation day or they just didn’t care if they passed or failed. I always cared. I have to learn to calm my inner lion down, and know that sometimes I can be the assistant. Sometimes I can be the vice president. It will cause me to stress less, and over all, be a better wife.

11. Baby makes 3. Hopefully…

No explanation needed.

12. Tell Dylan how absolutely blessed I am to be his wife as often as I can.

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am. Sometimes I forget how blessed I am. This year I want to do my best to ensure everyone I love (mostly including my husband) knows and believes with their whole heart that I love them. If I can do that, I know this year will be the best one yet.

Happy 2015 to all of my family and friends. Share your resolutions with me!

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5 Phrases I Tell My Husband That I Hope He Believes

Every time I post, I try to let my daily blog idea come to me out of pure thought. Maybe it’s something I’ve watched on TV, or experienced first hand, or heard about on the radio. Today, my *ding* “idea moment” was from Ryan Frederick of the Fierce Marriage blog. I have been a long time reader of both Ryan and Selena’s articles and they are so inspirational to me and my own marriage and life in general. Ryan posted today about the 5 phrases he tells his wife that he hopes she believes, so I thought I could switch the roles around for myself and to express to my husband how deeply I mean the following things I try (but sometimes fail) at telling him.

1. “God will handle it.”

This is something that wasn’t so easy for us at first. I was shaky in my faith. I knew who He was but I didn’t know how loving He was! I knew there was heaven, but I didn’t know how amazing it was! Every day in our day to day life, Dylan and I run into obstacles whether it be financial, personal, marital, work related, etc. It is so easy for us to stop at these obstacles, look at each other and just freak out! One thing we have learned together as a couple is to always step to the side of the obstacle and watch as God miraculously makes magic in our lives. It has become easier for me to do this, as my faith has strengthened feverishly, but it can be trying in the moment. Dylan, always remember, if he brought us to it, he can bring us through it. Forever. “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1

2. I will never intentionally do anything to hurt you.

I am a sinner. I do sinful things. I say hurtful words. I get jealous. I get angry. I bicker. I start arguments. I am offensive. I am stubborn. I am also human. I also forgive. I also apologize. I also make amends. I am not perfect. Although sometimes I sin against my husband,  I never do anything to him with the intent of hurting him. Sometimes we just get mad. Sometimes we are moody and sometimes we are happy. It’s all in the beauty of being imperfect. It’s all in the beauty of being a sinner. Not only being a sinner, but being FORGIVEN for our sins. Dylan, I will always make my best effort to be better for you. I will always try. I will end arguments instead of fueling the fire. “And so train young women to love their husbands and children, to be self controlled, pure, working at home, kind and submissive to their own husband that the word of God may not be reviled.” Titus 2:4

3. I love serving you.

It is amazing what a marriage will do to someone as stubborn as I am. As a single woman, I was so headstrong. I was always right. I was always in the lead. I was always the breadwinner, because all I had was myself to take care of. This was the woman Dylan met. This was the woman Dylan would have power struggles with constantly. This is not the case anymore. There is this dispute in today’s culture where women want to be the lead. I support this cause, especially growing up with a very strong and single mother. This is a trait I learned so quickly from her. Dylan had such a not-so-fun time trying to bust this wall down. After we wed, slowly I finally started to let go. Even though it’s only been a month, I’ve made remarkable progress in letting Dylan make decisions and letting him decide things that before I would always take precedence of on my own. I’m the type of person who instead of giving people tasks, I take them all upon myself to make sure things are done right. It can be so stressful but I’m a Leo. I’m a leader by nature. I love caring for my husband. I love when he swoons over dinner that took me hours to put together. I love when he sees a clean house and feels so happy to be home and be able to relax. Dylan, I will always do everything I can to make you happy. I will always try my best to not complain about packing your lunch for you or having to wash your stinky socks. “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.” Galatians 6:9

4. We will be okay.

These are the times in my life when I wish I could have stayed in college. When I decided to take a break, I never thought that I would be meeting my husband and start our own family with a year. Now that we are moved out, going to school is hard. Money isn’t expendable anymore. School takes so much of your energy away, especially when you add work into the mix. Not having a degree, means not having a career, and not having a career means not having the type of money you could have if you had a degree. Remember that repetitive commercial? “I don’t have money, because I don’t have a job. I don’t have a job because I don’t have a degree.” That’s sometimes how I feel. Finances are the number one reason for divorce. I will not let those statistics interfere with my marriage. Times are hard. Money is tight. Welcome to adulthood. Sometimes you have to decide to spend your last 25 dollars on Copenhagen Long Cut or on  enough gas to get you to work all week. It is what it is. You go without. You learn to appreciate your parents MORE than you did before. You struggle. You work, pay bills, your money is gone, you wait until next week and it’s the same monotony all over again. Like I said, it is what it is. I may not have a million dollars, but I have husband who is worth far more. Dylan, I don’t like struggling, but there’s no one on this Earth who I’d rather do it with. Period. God is always in our corner and with him, we can get through any hurdle. “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Romans 12:12

5. I love you.

Love doesn’t mean what it used to. Teenagers start saying “I love you” a week into dating. It’s thrown around so much but to me it has always meant just what the words say, “I… LOVE… YOU.” From the moment I met Dylan, I knew something was different. I just knew. I knew so much that the day after he officially asked me to be his girlfriend, I told him I loved him. Can you say freudian slip? We went camping together and on our last morning at the camp site, we were laying in the tent in beautiful 70 degree weather just listening to the wind and the birds chirping and I said it. My head was on his chest. I was looking at all his freckles and admiring this beautiful creation God had brought into my life. I was thinking so many things at once, but my most primary and internal thought was “How could God place each one of these freckles so perfectly on your skin?” Of course, at the early stage of our relationship I had a bad case of “awkward” and instead of saying WHAT I MEANT TO SAY (I love your freckles.) I took a deep breath and during my exhale said “I love you——r freckles, ummm, oh my gosh… I didn’t mean that.” I lied. I did mean it. I always have. Dylan, every time I say I love you whether it’s a quiet “I love you” or a loud “I LOVE YOU” it holds the same meaning. “The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’  No other commandment is greater than these.” Mark 12:31

My husband and I refuse to buy each other big ticket Christmas gifts. This is why.

With Christmas almost a week away, me and Dylan have put off our Christmas shopping as long as possible. Every picture of a Christmas tree I have seen on Facebook has a million gifts underneath. There is nothing wrong with that. I’m sure those gifts are for each other, family, friends, etc. Although we plan on buying for everyone, you will not see presents for each other under our tree this year.

Not only were we blessed with our parents paying an insane amount of money for our wedding, but all of our family not only volunteered time to help set up, but they also gifted us the most amazing new additions to our home. We were so thankful for the kind words, the sentimental cards, and the love and well-wishes we received from everyone. That is enough for me to end my post here about “why I’m not buying Dylan Christmas presents,” but honestly, the reason goes even beyond that.

Every year, I see reminders to “remember the reason for the season/don’t forget the CHRIST in Christmas.” I fail at this every year and i’m not ashamed to admit it. I am not perfect. Christmas is about getting together with the people who would do absolutely anything for you to celebrate the birth of Jesus. Christmas is about grace and about the undeserved gift of forgiveness that we have received from our Lord.That is a gift I could never be thankful enough for. That gift is especially precious and worth more to me than any new car, new clothes, iPad or if you’re Dylan Roberts, an Xbox One.

Every day, Dylan is my ultimate gift. There is no gift Dylan could give me that could compare to himself. Dylan was sent on this planet by God to grace my life with his presence and that in itself is presents enough. When Dylan was born, God already knew his story. God already knew his plans just like he knew mine. He knew that Dylan would have failed relationships and move hours away from Grand Prairie only to return and meet me a few months later. God knew that I would skip the opportunity to move away for college and stay here with my family (who didn’t want to see me go far away anyway), for if I moved, how could I have met my husband? God knew I wasn’t going to get that brand new Mustang, for if I did get it, how would I afford rent every month in our apartment? In fact, he laughed at my plans and said “you think that would be awesome? What if I introduce you to a man who you will spend the rest of your life with, make a future family with, and move into your own place with.” God knew all of these things – even the exact day and time I would log onto OkCupid, see Dylan’s profile and as they say, “the rest is history.” He surpassed my small dreams with His huge plans.

I could hardly even make a Christmas list this year. I made Christmas lists to buy for all of my family, but when it came to making my own, I had to spend some time in deep thought. It was the same case for my husband. I believe him and I both have a horrible condition called “I want” disease, where all year we say “I want this… I want that… I want a new dog… I want a new car… I want clothes… I WANT.” By the time we actually are asked “what we want for Christmas,” we are so tired of wanting things that we actually have no idea.

It truly is the most wonderful time of the year. It is a time when we can buy for others and enjoy their joy. People have mentioned that the first Christmas as newlyweds is the most important Christmas together because you start establishing traditions as a new family. So here is our first tradition to pass on to our children: On your first Christmas as husband and wife, instead of spending on each other, buy for others. In the self-centered world that we live in, it is rare that you hear someone say “I was so happy on Christmas Day when I watched my ______ unwrap ______.” It’s always “I am so excited that I got a ______!” This year, do something different. Instead of asking others “what did you get?” ask them “what did you give?”

Why I Have Baby Fever

Let’s take a moment and step outside of the world of Pinterest, mommy blogs and adorable baby clothing stores. Not to mention the fact that every time I sign on to Facebook and start to scroll, newborn photos, pregnancy announcements and baby shower invitations pop up at least once during my time online. I love babies. I love the miracle of life. I love the looks on the mothers’ face when they hold their bundle of joy for the first time after carrying them for almost a year in their womb. I love the cute outfits, and the tutus and the big hair bows… or the bow ties, the baby cowboy boots, and the no teeth grins. Imagine after seeing the joy of new life before your eyes, knowing the chances are slim that you can experience it for yourself.

Along with many other women in the world, I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I was diagnosed when I was about 16. In middle school and junior high, all of my friends (all much smaller than I) were starting to get their periods already. I couldn’t have been happier that I didn’t have to deal with this but it still didn’t make sense. I have worn a bra since I was in 4th grade. I was always taller than all the girls (and boys) in my class. Once I entered high school, it became something I was so embarrassed by. What was wrong with my body? Most of my friends had no idea that I was different from them. The few people I ever told would always have the same response. “Wait… you haven’t had a period? How many months has it been? That’s not normal… Maybe you’re pregnant?” Their minds couldn’t comprehend the fact that in my first 16 years of life, I never once had a natural period. They automatically assumed I was “late.” I guess that says a lot for the friends I had in high school.

After much coercing, my mom made me go to the doctor to figure out what was going on with my body. After a grueling doctors appointment and a days worth of uncomfortable blood tests, they decided to put me on hormones and birth control to try and regulate what was going on. They never really explained what PCOS meant. I was young, and honestly… I didn’t really care. I didn’t even see myself getting married until I was AT LEAST 30 years old. Here I am, at 21. Newly married. With a husband who is ever so eager to start a family. Even before we wed, all he would talk about was how excited he was to have the opportunity to start his own tribe with me (as long as all his kids love Batman).

The birth control and hormones did just what the doctor said they would. They made me gain weight, they made me moody, and they made me start having a period. Even after going off birth control, everything was regulated and I felt like things could finally be normal for me. Finally.

Around February of this year, I noticed my monthly “gift” never came. I used the term gift sarcastically, of course. I immediately started to panic. I couldn’t figure out what was happening. I wasn’t pregnant and I felt like I had gone back to step one of this whole process. I hated the way medication made me feel and there was no way I would go back to taking them. I let a month go by, expectant that maybe the next month something would happen. Still… Nothing.

In May, finally I decided I needed to figure out what was going on. For the first time in my entire life, I visited an OBGYN at 20 years old, much later than most females would. She confirmed my PCOS by my explanation of my medical history and background and told me that I have got to do something now, or else I will be facing the harsh truth that I could never have children. As an almost married woman, I was so depressed in this idea. How could I fail my husband this way? The one thing he wanted more than anything and I couldn’t give it to him. Not only was the idea of carrying a child slowly fading, but she also told me, at this point, if I do get pregnant, women with PCOS experience many complications including miscarriages during their pregnancy. My world was shattered. Once I left, I was in tears. I immediately called Dylan and told him how sorry I was that he chose me, a broken woman who was probably never going to be able to give him the gift of life. Him, being the absolutely amazing man and supporter that he is told me the following that I could never forget. “I want you and only you forever. Even if we never have kids. I wouldn’t ever want another person in my life. If kids don’t happen, they don’t happen.” I felt so at ease knowing I had such a caring man to be mine through all this going on.

When I say I have baby fever, it more than that. It’s a sinful baby lust. It’s a sinful baby envy. It’s a life experience that I want more than anything. Some say “you’re married now! When are you having a baby?” and some say “You should wait and enjoy your life as a married couple first.” Why can’t I enjoy life as a mom? As a caregiver? As the kisser of all the booboo’s? As a role model to my future littles? “It’s hard, it costs a lot of money, and it strains your marriage,” they say. My response? What if your parents felt that way about you. You wouldn’t be here today. If it wasn’t for me and Dylan getting closer with God together and truly understanding that if it’s in His will, it will be, I don’t know where I would be today. Because of God, I have hope. I have trust in Him, that when it’s time, it will happen. If he made a blind man see, he can make a broken woman whole again. He can make a woman like me create such beautiful life. We have learned together to be patient. To be thankful, and to keep trying and not give up on our desires to one day be a blossoming family.

The first blog post is the sappiest.

I don’t know why, but lately i’ve been thinking a lot about the first time I ever met Dylan. People would always give me hell for online dating, but with working and going to school full time and never being able to go out and meet new people, it felt like my only option. All of my friends would go out on Friday and Saturday nights and meet guys, but that just wasn’t for me. Have you people ever heard of something glorious called “sleeping?” “No, I do not want to go out to the Stockyards with you. Why, you ask? Because you’re LEAVING to go out when I am in BED watching Full House. Then, you don’t get home until 4 am. Can I take a rain check for when I have a weekend off?”

Since I graduated high school, I had some sort of dating profile that I rarely checked. The town I spent my high school years in wasn’t really one I wanted to find a life partner in. Online, I would get a couple messages and had a couple dates but never anything of substance. Maybe i’m the only one who thinks it, but this generation is terrible at conversation… Skimming through profiles in the most non-committal way become something I just DID when I was bored. Until I saw Dylan’s.

Around the time when spring semester ended, I had taken to OkCupid after serious pushing from co-workers. Do it, they said. It will be fun, they said. It was the opposite. It was like the online dating b-team. The ones who had kids (nothing against that, just not for me at that point in time), or had a criminal record (been there, done that), or worse… had no car/no job/no money (no explanation needed/also been there, done that). I was on the verge of deleting the account entirely, but when I got on to do so, I saw a profile I decided to click on. Dylan’s. In his profile picture he was holding a gun. He was shooting a gun. I don’t know. I’m “city folk.” He was doing something with a gun. Instantly, I was intrigued. I can’t explain why. I honestly think it was because he was wearing khaki pants  and ya’ girl loves some khaki pants. Plus he was wearing boots. What was happening to me? AND a snapback? I was so confused but I liked it so much… So, what the hell. I decided to message him. I typed about 20 different messages, erased them and somehow ended up just sending him “you’re cute.” I sent it and immediately felt like I needed to reevaluate my entire life. I think it’s something called “flirter’s remorse.” Stupid me… “You’re cute? Really, Whitnie?! REALLY? Real smooth. You don’t even deserve to have friends, let alone a maybe boyfriend” Not even 10 minutes later, he messaged me back telling me “he liked the way my name was spelled, and I was not so bad myself.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME – MY PICK UP LINE WORKED?!

I was all in smiles and giggles during our conversations through the site. He had a depth to him that I hadn’t found anywhere else.  He would send me long messages and ask me tons of questions about myself to get to know me better. Then he hit me with that “Well, do you just want to text?” UH, yes… So we did. He was so funny. I asked him to send me a picture of himself I could save in his contact information and he sent me a picture of a sloth in an astronaut suit. Like who does that…? From the time I woke up in the morning until we fell asleep on the phone at night, we were buried in conversation about everything from music to movies to life in general. We did this for about 2 weeks until we finally made plans to meet each other in person. I was most nervous about this, mostly because I think i’m better looking in pictures than in person. I didn’t want to see this connection in ruins. Finally, we agreed on meeting on a Sunday after I got off work. Dylan was going to come wait there when I got off for our date.

On the previous Friday before we met, Dylan left work and headed 2 hours south to spend some time fishing and working on his truck at his grandparents house. I missed him. I still hadn’t even met him in person, but I felt like I had known him for some time and I MISSED him. The whole time he was there, I would tell him he was “so far away and I could feel it.” Now THAT would scare your average guy away, but not this one. He agreed, and told me how excited he was to finally meet me. Oh boy…

The Sunday we were supposed to meet, I had to work 11:30-6:30. The day went by so slow which was both good and bad because I was so nervous. After locking up the store I worked at, I heard tires squealing, and when I turned around, Dylan had whipped into a parking spot right next to my car. My heart almost exploded when I realized it was time to meet him. I walked up to his truck and immediately he hopped out and gave me the tightest hug i’ve ever gotten from anyone. His arms were so big and warm. He was tall, and he smelled good, and his smile just wouldn’t quit. At that point, I knew it was right.

We took my car because it was so hot outside and his truck didn’t have AC. I don’t know how he made it in one of the hottest summers in Texas since ever. I just remember him sitting in the passenger seat resting his chin on his hands and his face was tomato red. I couldn’t tell if he was shy, embarrassed, or saying in his head “get me away from this girl.” Lucky for me, it was my first guess. It was almost impossible to get him to talk. I was wondering where that guy went that would send me 3 page long text messages or leave me 5 minute voicemails when I woke up. WHERE WAS HE? WHAT WAS HAPPENING?

He must have really liked Freebirds, because then he opened up. I think it was also because I dropped some nachos in my shirt and caught him looking out of reflex, and we both acknowledged the awkward moment and laughed it off. Slowly, I could see him acting more like he had throughout our earlier contact with each other. His laugh made me laugh and his smile did the same.

After we ate, we drove out to downtown and went to the drive-in. I’m a real classy date, let me tell ya’. Once pulling in, out of nowhere he grabbed for my hand. I was so caught off guard, and couldn’t stop smiling. It wasn’t just a sweet, cute girl smile. It was a crazy serial killer smile. I was so embarrassed by it that I remember literally looking out my window and self-talking myself, “get it together, come on, you’re pathetic.” But when I finally looked over, he had an identical smile. His hands were rough. Like mechanic hands. I don’t know any mechanics, but I assume that’s what their hands feel like.

After the first movie was over, he went up to the concession stand to get a beer, and I called my mom to squeal to her. “Oh my god, he’s drinking a beer. He’s such an adult, mom.” -19 year old me.

Once the movie had ended, I took him back to his truck in my work parking lot, and there, he gave me the most earth shattering, mind altering kiss. Ever. Still to this day, I think about it. The parking lot was dark, but was still dimly lit by the glow of the parking lot lights. It was late. I was so in awe. In shock. In almost love, I thought. My heart fluttered when I left the parking lot, and IMMEDIATELY I was like, “Oh my god… What if he doesn’t text me now? What if that was it? What if he just kissed me to do it and will never talk to me again?” Then I looked down at my phone the moment I had almost given myself a panic attack.

“I miss you already. :)” -Dylan